page 1 “there are 2 kinds of people out there, the ones who tell the stories and the one who listen to the stories.”-me
my boat on the mud in fulford harbor saltspring island 2008
“ a well dressed fool looks good from a distance
as long as they don’t speek”-
’this is capt big man in big boat, I suggest you
get yer spot light outa my face or im gunna run you down, over,
roger that, this is little man in big light house, yer call, over”-
Have you
ever liked the smell of diesel wafting tru the air on a cold winter day?, have
you ever looked at your hands, and they looked like dragon claws? Have you ever
wanted to know what its like to live in the washing machine? If you answered
yes to anyone of these questions, then I think you have what it takes to become
an, avid sufferer!, a sea men, a scally wag, seadog, pirate!
This guide will teach you how to eat sleep,
breath and shit sailing, and to redefine the “pirate”, not really, " re- defining
it", but bring it back to its original format, as in," having codes
of conducts", moral ethics, ext ext, like never initiating a wave to a
bayliner, or not peeing to windward, the term i use is "alternative
yachting" , which means to eat sleep breath and shit outside the box, to deliberately
inflict unnecessary suffering on ourselves in sheer poverty, just for the sake
of the story, the big fish story is in all man’s blood since time immemorial
and im here to re instate the maritime tradition of exaggerating long stories
that wind up in near death experience at every turn.
The only
thing that has changed, is the modern laws, stealing is commandeering, and commandeering,
is illegal they say, there are legal loop holes, you will learn in this guide,
and as much as I hate to say it we do need to fallow some laws, even though
some are not implicated feduarally and are just rumors for intimadation, and
can be challenged, but the major ones that are obvious, we need to work with in
it, for its better to be out sailing then behind bars, we are more useful out
making good stories, not the same old borind soap on the rope stories.
As a pirate, the sea is the goal, riches is seen
by a glowing sun set, with the soft luff of our main, the gold coins just sink
us quicker with all that weight but in my life, at this time, it all just makes
sense, a "proper pirate" is the ultimate freedom fighter and marter.
The ones who robs, kill or mames, are just murderers and thugs, “pirates”, the
"real", ones were noble, i dont need to go into names, because
everything is debatable, so the point is, its time to bring back a culture of
adventure and mystical opportunities, That hold a high honor of respect among
the yachting world, what defines us is the morals and ethics we hold living
aboard, which does not correspond with ideology of modern pirates, but lubbers
use the word "pirate" differently than i do, as in killers and
theivs, but my version is right and im the capt and im always right, so thru
this guide, the freedom can be yours, but the only way to really do it is thru
alternative yachting, and the by- product of that, is becoming a proper pirate,
and the end result, is a life time of never ending stories. So become a proper
pirate and together we keep a dying way of life alive! "freedom”!!.
we have critics, but the glory about being a
pirate is u don’t care, the message is we learn to sail by doing it wrong, hard
and unprepared, where is the fun in not getting lost, or not almost dying in
hourly intravals, you get a hell of a lot more exsursize, and experience by
bailing a sinkin boat out with a rusty wok or pumping profusely with the wale
gusher, lazy yachtys with atomatic bilge pumps and radar, are fat and lazy, all
of them! We call it “bayliner belly”, and wheres the fun in that?, inmast
electric furling, electric witches, budaes, gps, radar ato helm all linked to
gether telling you when to take a nether shit! Fancy flags that no one can
read, skiffs that are worth more then some countries! Critics eh?, when they see
us pass, guaranteed thell remember you!, prob because they called cost guard on
a boat in distress! But atleast you stood out enuf to be rememberd and seen!
PIRATES PRIDE PREVAILS!!!
I will explain step by step on how to become a proper pirate thru out the book, but first we will start by training you
for livingaboard a leaky coffin with sails, which is a lot tuffer then the
pictuesc charters you see in the Caribbean, sippin margaritas on tupperware
boats, living aboard takes a sertin
person, and im tellin ya, its not for every one, but with the proper training
you can do anything, life is short, might as well shorten it!.
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rNow im assuming you have sailed a skiff once or
twice, mabe a lazer, or dory from grampa, maby dads 25 ft thunderbird, if not,
well, its just unfortunate, ok, forget sailing, lets say, u have very minimal
or no liveaboard expirience, you dont need to know how to sail to live a board,
like my girlfriends lived aboard with me for years and none of them new how to
sail after, cause they were too busy in the galley. liveaboard is just living on a boat, plain
and simple, there are old fishing boats with no engines, old barges with shacks
on them, house boats ext, i even made a little island outa scrapp ammas from a
sunkin triamaran, lashed together with logs thru a 22 foot clinker with a hole
in it and lived onnit for a summer, id live in a barrel on the sea if i could,
that’s what im trying to breed.
Training for
alternative yachting-
Lets say you have a wife 2.5 kids a
dog, and a traditional picket, fence , First take your family, and pack, a weeks’
worth of non-perishable/ dehydrated/ astronaut/ dog food like sustenance and
jam yourselves in to the closet for a
month, because we are passive people and believe in non-violence, we do not eat
the .5 kid, or anyone for that matter, its just uncool, and so 1800s, but, canabalism on board is not
uncommon, a lot of wifes, or maby husbands have bin devoured, just for the sake
of properly digarding of the body, but most cases have bin in tragic starving
stories, so that’s why we stick around the gulf islands, and not far from the
dock. you will need to practice, the tight, wet, cold miserable, fatigue
vertigo like sickness that drives us forward,
its ananomaly,“suffering is good for you” and I don’t care who you are,
you will suffer, gods mighty hand will crash down on you, its inevitable , you
can have the best, and most expensive boat, in the world like
larry ellision in the Sydney- Hobart
race, (disaster) 1998 on his maxi class sloop, a huge hurricane slamed
into them, killing 6 racers, and he prayed that hed change his helicopter pad
into a basketball court, he didn’t think
he’d make it, even aboard his 80 foot sloop “ sayonara”, all I know it was a big ass boat, And hes
prayin! weepin and a wailin, now on the outher hand Imagine being stuck on a small leaky boat with
your inlaws, with out the proper training, youl never make it without losing a
gasket, and entering the world of phyco shit, screaming and chaos all around for hours, the
inlaws thanking yer gunna sink, and thinkin
you took em out to, off them, but
luckily they jumped over board befor the boat actually sinks, maby, a little
help from the all wise capt, but amazingly enuf its ironic that the coast guard
usually finds boats empty, for the passengers jump over befor it sinks, and
that’s a product of loosin it, and when yer crew loses it, “exaggerating the
severity of the conditions help”, once inna a while ill yell “were all gunna
die”, when were doin ok, it’s a really funny spot to be in, to see the faces of the green horn when they
think there doomed, and when it does come time to abandon the sinkin vessle
remember the golden rule, don’t get into the life raft, unless you have to step
up into it! what I do is, I get this,
zen like “ignorance” state of mind, wheres nothing is happening, budda had good
anger management skills, “nothins wrong”, so, ingnorance is the primary
objective, so that they will find you and not the inlaws.
We need to train militant like, if you can fit
into a washing machine and keep it running for 3 days strait, I would suggest
that’s one way to practice, or put yer self in prison for a year, all though
prison, is easier on the psyche, but still compares in a lot of ways, I do believe prisoners should be sentenced to
sailing around the roaring 40s or screamin 50s, for a year, just a year, once
they hit the docks, thed never do a nether crime again, probably be bible
thumpers after.
Training for
alternative yachting is more mental than physical, , like we are mental, and
have no physic, we go bald fast, and our Molson mussel seems to turn from a 6
pack to a 8 pack and now im looking like a 15 pack, border line pregnet, but
the grey hairs are usually salt incrusted hairs, so im lucky there, but excepting
it, that is the first step, I think the
hardest thing to train for is a life time of being financially challenged.
Dealing with
financial loss-
Back to
phycology, and dealing with financial loss, because a boat is like pack man
eating money, chomp chomp chomp, and when you look at where its going, and all
you got with that money, you want to rap the anchor around your legs and throw
yer self over, very hard at first to be dirt ass poor and knowing that every
penny we ever do miraculously get, is
flung into the bottomless bilge and devoured by the hungry monsters that live
down there, that is all they eat, is money, and if they don’t get it, they chew
the gaskets off yer sea cocks.
Nothing
really prepares you for being financially challenged, youv read all the self
help books by tim robbins, and still your going to wake up with chines water
torture on yer fore head.
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